| im sick of it all |
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| 05:51pm 06/01/2005 |
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mood:  crushed
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You know how the fuck do you show the one person you love the most just how fucking much they mean to you???
Well fuck if your me....you only fuck it all up...yep you fuck every inch of it up! I dont get love anymore its so fucking confusing, i dont get relationships anymore, its like when you think you have something great you hold it down so much that later on it slaps you right across the damn face....i mean what the fuck am i suppose to do honestly? i doubt anyone has a fucknig asnwer bc nobody is a fucking expert at love, what the fuck is love i mean when u think u know it and u think u got it.....u freeze....u forget how much fun it use to be when u werent so involved, when you wanted that person more than anything, youd give up drinking and eating and youd climb the biggest fucking mtn for them....you knwo 2 years ago i thought i had foudn the greatest thing in my life, i was stupid and waited it out for those 2 years and half or so...and i finally decied to ignore what everyone else was saying and opiniating about and i was like fuck u all im doing it, i swore to god i was in love but i mean ever since then its like both of us forgot the fun we use to have its all spent on fucking retarded arguements and its liek every second u get more scared of losing them....i dont know anymore....i feel so damn confused and lost
"old habits die hard"
i cant bare to see her cry bc im an ass
i cant deal with it anymore |
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| 02:20pm 12/12/2004 |
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mood: sad
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So life is pretty much sucky right now, i screwed up a basically 18yr friendship over sumtin stupid and something we both we would never do....it sucks.
Shit isnt to groovy between me and kayla lately tehre is alot of arguements sure we get over them but it seems to cause more and more down the road, and theres a big scare of losing her and idk its mainly my fault for being such a fucking asshole and so pissy
Last night i told kayla if shed get on at 2 to talk to me then i called Z and told her to tell her to get on at 1 so we could talk more well she didnt get on at one and she didnt get on at 2 and nows its 3:30 and im kinda mad bc she complains about how i neve rtell her what im doing but its funny but hey fuck it its kewl i dont care im sure she has a good excuse anyhow im outta here going to the gym then to the movies by my self
Laters |
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| God I miss you :-( |
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| 06:04pm 17/10/2004 |
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mood: depressed
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Its so hard walking by her room and realizing she wont ever be in there laying on her bed listenin to her music as she reads one of her magazines. Its only been 3days without her and its killing me so much. I never though id loose another family member, id never thought shed be gone before me. I keep waiting for her to walk in the door and go to my room and be like brother im home....but it just isnt happening and it wont ever happen again. i miss her so much, she was half of my life, she was the smile in the morning that i woke up to, the laughter i loved hearing when i did something , the tears that my shirt took, now i wont get to see or hear those things and i miss them already. my baby sis is gone and i cant think about life without her, she wont get to see her new baby twin brothers grow up she wont get to play with them, she wont be at my wedding or marc's, she wont get to even be at hers. I never thought this could happen to me, i always told her ill die before you, i know they say things happen for a reason, but why her? why my lil sis? she was only 15, her whole life ahead of her and now its all gone just a the blink of an eye my lil sis is gone :'-( this weekend was the worst of my life i wish i could turn back time and just be able to hold her and tell her how much i love her and that she means alot to me, her last words left an impression on my heart and im never going to let go of them, i miss you so much myra, i wish you where here with me, i wish youd be laying in bed with me at nite where we used to talk abt the future and how our lifes would come out to be, i wish i had one last minute with you.
RIP Andria M. Campell 1989-2004
I Love You Baby Sis |
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| 03:12pm 10/10/2004 |
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mood: sad
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I Miss Kayla, I got to talk to her a bit last night but i was in the worst mood and I kinda was being a jerk.....grrr i hate being a jerk its not who i am. Im sick of ppl telling me what to do and how to do it, just the way i hate being told whom to love and whom not to, I dont care what everyone thinks I dont care if you think im fucking up as long as im happy im good and thats all i need is to be happy. i hate ppl talking about her and saying shit, youre nobody to judge without knowing the person so keep your crap to your toilet. Im going to be with Kayla wether you guys like it or not Im not going to change anything to please ppl anymore you can either like me for who i am or hate me for it, im outta here.
I Miss You Babe. :-( </3 |
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| Meh |
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| 10:42pm 24/09/2004 |
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mood: rejected
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Uh so i was talking to kayla and her mom wanted to talk to me and i was like uuuuuuuuh no bc i hate phones and shit and then iw as like well she thinks im 40 so i might as well jsut talk to proove im not and then when i get the balls too she is liek WHOS THIS and says its my lil brother man fuck it i cant please her she wont belive me till she sees me so im not gunna tyr and idk mi kinda hurt but fuck it im not here to please parents they can liek me or not but fuck it meh idk i just dont want to talk to anyone so yeah im outta here bye |
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| Swwweeeeeeeeeeet Lol right Z |
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| 06:06pm 22/08/2004 |
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mood:  happy
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Aight so its been a real good weekend right now we are at the hotel here in EL PASO TEXAS, WOOT WOOT MUTHA FUCKAS! LMFAO umm we came to see Z we as in me and the RALPHSTER lmao he gets to see his gf(z) lmao umm and yeah so far weve pretty much all hung out and hidden in the HUMMER goddamn is that car nice and to believe my dad has one maybe i should take it from him eh? anyhow i talked to my baby yesterday :-D it was fun much-o fun haha and her friend jordan is an awsome kid, ive caught up with Z which is great i missed the kid and i love seeing her. Ralph and Z got some action lmao GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Z WOOOT WOOOT LMAO JK KIDDO and um yeah we leave tomorrow afrternoon so we r prolly going to Zs school tomorrow morning just to chill with her before classes or something and umm actually we will leave at 8 sumtin or so but anways im having a blast and i jsut came to the hotel so me and ralph could get z sumtin we bought her and now we r going back to see her so peace.
ps. baby you arent a bitch...love you |
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| *Blah |
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| 06:50pm 15/08/2004 |
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Ah well last night I did alot of thinking over the things i got asked. Mainly i realized how fucked up i was when i was younger and how much i missed out because of the shit i did. it makes me feel stupid to be honest, its true drugs fuck u up ive lived a life beleiving i did one thing and now i come to realized i had nothing to do with her...i wonder if she knew idk its crazy ass shit and i feel so fucking stupid, i talked ot jon about it and well he kinda made me face it that we cant do much about it now but right now im somewhere else, i have kayla and she is fucknig great i dont need any other girl in my life i dont have time to even look at chicks and critize, my girl is all i think about all i see all i dream all i want.... i dont need anything else in my life right now its complete i have my friends and my family and then my girlfriend and i love it, sure it hurts me to know that it was all a lie but i dont need it and im happy right now adn thats all that matters, baby i love you. Dont feel bad for the questions in any matter i thank u,z, and my brother i needed to face reality and well thanks guys i appreciate it, anyhow i have to go take ralph somewhere.
Babe if you read this, i love you |
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| Man I dont know whats wrong with me |
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| 12:00am 12/08/2004 |
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mood: disappointed
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Ah i honestly dont know whats wrong with me. I was such an ass to my gf today it was horrible. I felt like shit and I feel like shit and I know she will say I wasnt being one but man i know i was being one i felt it and i didnt even know why. I got kinda mad at her but then it was just like wtf are you saying chris well thats what i thought to myself. Man and like we had this lil arguement which i wish we hadnt bc i get scared ill loose her. She is so sweet and loving and yeah she is a great person. She wasnt having the best day and i wasnt even there for her tonight, damn im a fucking asshole i swear I am. Well now her whole family knows we r going out. I dont think theyre happy about it but hell they btr deal with it im not leaving her jsut cause they dont approve of us,honestly they can kiss my white ass! But anyhow my roomies want me to go watch the prince & me with them so im out. and baby if you ever get to reading this which u wont cause i alreayd eamiled you but.
Im Sorry!
:-( |
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| Happy Birthday Kayla |
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| 12:10am 10/08/2004 |
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mood: happy
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Well today is Kayla's birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!! I hope that this year goes as you want it and that all your wishes come true. I wish you the best and I hope you have a good day and enjoy yourself, Love you tons. |
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| Failures Not Flattering |
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| 12:20am 30/07/2004 |
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Woohoo, Fun night fun fun fun lmao. Lets see I just got outta the shower oh that was so fun lmfao j/p. i talked to my fave girl to talk to tonight. I love her to pieces lol. Umm ooooh i went to the docs today didnt go bad i have to go back on Monday for sum tests for me <3 oh man cool huh, oh ok idk if i told u guys this but yeah me and my brother marc got in a fight so yeah blah yada yada and my dad took my keys 2 my truck and my credit card REAL STUPID MOVE DAD and he fucknig bent my credit card :-( but oh well i guess he is replacing it or so i hope but yeah i had a good day tomorrow i work all fucking day GAY GAY GAY FUCKING GAY, oh got the new TBS cd woot woot. and um thast it laters gators |
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| SUNNNNNNNNNDAY |
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| 02:44pm 25/07/2004 |
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Ok so im home from spain it was alright cant complain dad was an ass but meh lifes a bitch. Um lets see my gf broke up with me for a stupid reason but wtf can i do NOTHING but anyhow im doing good i suppose real happy about soemthing that i did and yeah umm wut else im taknig my sister to see a cinderella story in about 25minutes so yeah that should be interesting but umm thast abt it had a good trip hit me up to chat or wtvr thats it latees
peace |
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| Quick one |
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| 12:16am 09/07/2004 |
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Alright well i leave tomorrow morning to spain with my whole fmaily, i havent updated in a while i always forget... umm things are good i guess, my kid is getting bigger i havea new pic of him so ask me and u can see...umm everything is good wokr is godo life is there but its good. and thast it jsut checking it quick here, tty guys later when im back.
PEACE |
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| Here I am pouring my heart onto these rooftops.. |
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| 02:13pm 20/06/2004 |
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mood: calm
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So im talking to Z and she just left me lol but she said she just updated and was like jesus kid update but ya here i am doing that.
First of all HAPPY FATHERS DAY to myself as well as all the other fathers out there including mine who has been there through every hard moment in my life to every happy moment. Sharing the laughter and the tears. He is the best guy Ive ever met and I love him. He has given me so much and all i could ever say was Thanks Dad. So happy fathers day, santa(lol).
So anyways its been awhile since I put everything on this journal. So much has happened but yet it has come withs o much problems. I dont know what to think anymore, I dont know what to feel anymore. At times Im the happiest guy, but then someone comes and puts things in my head and makes me feel as if all I do is wrong. My friends tell me Im doing wrong, Im ruining my life. I just wonder how someone can ruin there life doing sumtin that makes them happy. I dont know the answer to many questions. I dont know if im doing the right thing every single second of my life. I honestly live by the moment, I enjoy my life, I have hard times that come with good times. Im a human, just like the rest. We make mistakes, we pay for them, we regret them. Sometimes the choices we make can lead into greater things and right now my life is fine, you may think it isnt but to me im living, im happy, i have my family, i have my friends, and I have someone...Many dont like that fact and I know....but im sorry I may be stupid, I may be crazy...and yes I knwo in the end Ill end up hurt...but guess who made that choice....ME. Dont worry about me, just be there, Im 18 , i can be a strong guy and yet i can be very weak...many of you have given me advice but many fo you are young and dont knwo half my life. Dont tell me who I am, show me who i am. If i do somethign wrong let me figure it out on my own. I appreciate all the help and support but at times I wish to be on my own. I love my friends they are the best, always there when I need them. So just relax and lets just go back to the old stuff.
Many wont get that but the few that will I hope you know im not trying to push u guys away, im just trying to make u understand that I am a human and I am a strong person even as weak as i may seem. But other then that thats final. Leave me your thoughts, your opinions, hell bitch me out if u please. Let me know. Laters |
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| 2 more songs i wrote |
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| 11:21am 05/06/2004 |
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LET ME LEAVE
Trash bag is what I am, full of crap and tossed into a can
thats what you did....thats what you did...Used and confused
I took my life for you...for you..
{chorus}
So let me leave and let me live, im leaving you
Let me leave and let me live, I need you
Let me leave and let me live, I hate you
They say love is a diffucult thing i say its a bunch of shit
Learned to end up hurt and beat up. you say the sweetest words
that give the most pain .so tell me can we make it, so tell me how,
how to live if i took my life for you.
{chorus}
So let me leave and let me live, im leaving you
Let me leave and let me live, I need you
Let me leave and let me live, I hate you
I take the step, the step into my new life, im leaving you
im leaving you, I need to live without you, cause all i am
is just a trash bag in your can...just a trash bag, just a trash bag
in your can!!
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WHO YOU ARE
Its 1:30 am and im sitting here looking into your eyes upon your pictuere and i wonder
i wonder what i could see in those bright capturing eyes, love, or betrayal wuts the price
to pay for this one. Are you the typical one, heart break player, or are you the sweet
loving teddy bear in my bed. So tell me who are you, just give me a sign of who you are.
{chorus}
Tired of the confusion and tired of being hurt, All i do is wonder, wonder who you are.
you change your style, heartbreak desire. pleasing woman full of anger waiting to reveal it
to the next fool at your feet....OoOoh wont you let me know who you are, wont you give me
a small sign, all you do is use me and confuse me, help me know who you are.
You treat a man well, lead him in to love, take their hearts and step on them like a bug, all we
are to a woman like you is another man at your feet, thats all we are just another one, just
another one. to belive i fell for you and i loved every minute of you, i dont know who I am
without you and i dont know who you are without me, so tell me who you are, just give me a
sign of who you are.
{chorus}
Tired of the confusion and tired of being hurt, All i do is wonder, wonder who you are.
you change your style, heartbreak desire. pleasing woman full of anger waiting to reveal it
to the next fool at your feet....OoOoh wont you let me know who you are, wont you give me
a small sign, all you do is use me and confuse me, help me know who you are.
So wont you help me, help me understand, who you, who you.....just let me understand!!!
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I got 2 more but they r personal so yeah but um leave ur opinion laters |
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| im sooooo sleepy |
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| 11:17am 05/06/2004 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Well i just got home like an hour ago, i called kay and then the battery died so im in here talking to sara half asleep lol but its all good. Im real happy some things have occured, i hope they all work out. everything is great and i couldnt ask for anything else but anyhow i wrote some songs so im gunna show them to anybody who reads this shit so here is one:
THE END
The say we need to let go
they say we are to young and we dont know
so tell me was it all worth it to you in the end
{chorus}
Feeling lost and confused, bleeding heart through my shirt
I need you is all i think I need you is all i hear from my mind.
Lost,but yet Im found , so tell me was it all worth it
late night talks and sleepless nights
dreaming and thinking about you
you hurt me, yet you loved me
so tell me was it all worth it to you in the end
{chorus}
Feeling lost and confused, bleeding heart through my shirt
I need you is all i think I need you is all i hear from my mind.
Lost,but yet Im found , so tell me was it all worth it
time has passed and youve moved on
time has passed and youve moved on
so wont you tell me if it was all worth it to you
wont you tell me if it was...if it was...all worth it to you
um thats one and i got another but ill put it on a diff page:
(i think they r crappy lol) |
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| Hmmm... |
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| 12:00pm 01/06/2004 |
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mood: good
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Well its tuesday and for once I dont have to work on a tuesday...feels good to be at home with my kid. So i dont know I guess life has changed im not sure if it has changed for the best or for the worst. Im stilling having some problems with some ppl and i wish id just make them all work out. I havent talked to "her" since that day and im nto sure if i miss her, i knwo i think abt her but i bet she is happy and thats all good. Ive been good for once in my life i have something to do other than stay here waiting for ppl....Ive been going out to clubs,movies, ive spent time with my son yesterday i finger painted with him, i dont remember what was the last time i did that maybe when i was 6 or 7 but we painted all over a big piece of paper, he drew himself and me near a pool it was the cutest thing its on my wall now...but idk its great, im happy and everything, just wihs things would somehow be diff anyhow im out i have to make lunch for everyone COOK CHRIS lol laters |
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| The End |
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| 02:57pm 28/05/2004 |
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mood: relaxed
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Man its bull shit but guess what I dont give a shit anymore, Im gunna move on life my damn life I have a great son who I love , I have awsome friends who are always there and I have a family who is always there, I dont need to be treated like im some kinda freak because all i fucking did was be honest and yet i got shit about its cool though, look I wish you the best in life , you a great person you'll achieve so much...im sorry it had to end this way but your right hard to work it over a computer, you mean alot to me and I wish you the best in life...other than that LATERS TO EVERYONE
-Chris |
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| Howdy |
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| 07:01pm 16/05/2004 |
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mood:  okay
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Hmm so margo thinks i should update, lets see i got some new pics of me if anyone wants to see and umm my family is in town fun stuff lmao on saturday i went shopping with my sister let me tell ya BIG MISTAKE....she drained my wallet bad bad but it was fun umm we saw 13 going on 30 cute movie liked it btr than mean girls which i was like okis cute but nah, wut else can i tell u all not much going on in my life just simple days ive been partying alot lol bad me but im good docs say my heart is wacko again but ill be fine and yeah idk wut else to say so laters ppl |
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| Blah |
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| 10:58am 01/05/2004 |
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mood: blah
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Yesterday sucked...I dont know im down or sum shit I got wasted for no fucking reason and now i got a major hangover my head hurts and my stomach...but im hungry lol anyhow it sucks,I finally let everything off my chest with Chandra, I feel relieved... it was hurting inside ya kno one of those pains where u wanna let it out but u cant idk i glad I did it, I made her cry tho and I feel like shit but i hope they were happy tears or something of that sort anyhow on a diff not my buddy...acted real diff with me and it hurt bc if ur tyring to prove someone else ur not who u r then thats bullshit honestly but wtvr im not in a good mood I just read something that got to me but hey im out im hitting the gym to relax then picking my kid up and going to eat so laters |
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darknight77's journal